We are up in the attic bedroom, now the boys are older and don't need us on the same floor. Being woken up.by the heavy rain on the skylight windoes is always a joy...you feel so cosy snuggled under the duvet, listening to the pitter patter of the rain...then you have to get up...that's not so good.
Pete was off to a funeral this morning, of a dear friend's 46 year old son, back in Bridgend. Me, on a school run, then work. I cannot imagine what it is like to bury your child...I had a thought about how awful that would be, when Tom was on the operating table...my mind wandered to a "what if.." Moment, but that doesn't bear thinking about, Praise God he is now fully recovered in record time.. I pray we never have to experience that at all, and the circle of life will always follow it's 'natural' course.
I know many who have had that sad experience and I don't believe they ever fully recover, no matter what age their child was.
I had a 'short' work day, then shopped for the meal I was making for tonight...as we were having visitors...my first vegetarian 'by recipe' dish....posh macoroni cheese..with a crumble nut/seed topping ..with organic sun blushed dried tomatoes...I was desperate to try it, but as I've given up carbs at the moment I just had to hope it tasted as good as it looked, with the scrummy crunchy topping.
Fortunately Simon and Andrew were happy to help clean up and tidy, ready for Jem, Tom and Rachel, My daughter in laws - mother...(there should be a name for this relationship...Jem's mum to us.)
Sadly Rachel was not feeling too good and so Tom rang to cancel. I made the huge mistake of
declaring the cleaning campaign could stop...really should have thought that through ....as we have
visitors tonight to..spoke way to soon.
I organised Tom to come and get take away as it was already cooked..then I relaxed. I wish our house could be in a state of 'visitors welcome' anytime of the day or night...but, every time, I find myself in a whirlwind of scrubbing, cleaning, throwing piles of clutter in another room...one day maybe...but if that's going to happen, when there is only me and Pete left at home...give me the hub bub of chaos any day.
It's now Tuesday, I'm finishing this sitting in the hairdressers, after one quick driving lesson,...models were required for Joshua and his colleague Jess for their NVQ. Josh will be highlighting and Jess cutting. I may be here a few hours yet, how awesome...sitting, reading, writing, bring pampered. My first cup of tea has arrived. These will only be restrained due to number of toilet visits that can be entwined in the whole process without to much embarrassment.
I have been pondering on how honest to be on here..I've been feeling 'dry' spiritually the last couple
of days, and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm finding the transition into the Catholic Church quite tough, although I still feel that is where The Lord wants me to be.
Maybe leaving my family at Glendale...an evangelical church...after 25 years has been a bigger
wrench than I had anticipated.
Weirdly it was a relief at first, church can be an easy place for the devil to point his finger...and 'fly fish' with your emotions. In a big church you can get lost. I know I am an independent person, and really don't want any fuss made, or empathy given. That's me, my choice, but then I'm left wide open to feeling left out, not an integral part of the family.
This feeling comes perhaps from me going alone to Church. Pete has a faith but prefers not to go. Simon is Catholic and struggles with life and Faith...God is his ultimate strength, but life style issues
can marr that and interfere greatly with his journey. Josh, similarly, Tom and Jem now back from uni, go to a different church, and Andy our youngest is a fifteen year old..who has just had the confidence to play rugby on a Sunday morning...but has always rather not accompanied me to church. He does thankfully enjoy the youth activities, like Soul Survivor..and has a very strong Faith...he is perhaps the wisest of our bunch.
So we are not the average 'church going, all perfectly together' family. Sometimes I wish we were, but I see The Lord using our inadequacies, addictions, imperfections to build our faith. We have so much to learn, and if we have seen heartbreak first hand, Jesus can use it powerfully for us to grow in Him. I'm not certain how a diamond is mined, but when I hear of a 24 cut diamond, I imagine we are
God's jewels on earth, and the more we are 'cut' (NOT physically) the more we will shine.
Also I took a back step, and became lazy...in the early years I was on the children's rota, which meant I was more involved, more a part. When you are not 'doing' anything it so easy to feel sidelined and not a big part of the family.
I know it will take time to get involved with my new family, at the Catholic Church., I have to step out in faith and include myself on the rota's as that's the quickest and best way to get to know everyone.
There are no current house groups with this Catholic Church, so my old house group has kindly let me stay on. I think these groups are very important to help build each other up on this journey in a fallen world.
I haven't been for a few weeks due to summer holidays, YMCA meetings etc...but hope to get back in to the routine very soon.
Building each other up, being with like minded people is very important. The picture of a coal fire burning brightly, then a coal falling onto the hearth...how quickly does that coal cool down and the blackness return.
Matthew 5:14-16...I pray to be more salty, and to shine brighter.
I'm not quite out of the fire yet, but possibly teetering on the edge...not because I have any less faith...but because I'm not communing enough with fellow brothers and sisters...I've realised for me, talking the talk, walking the walk is what keeps my light burning brightly...
So I say to you Satan, step aside, I'm jumping right back into the middle of that coal fire...where by The Grace of God, when filled with The Holy Spirit..I'm gonna be 'hot', 'hot' 'hot'...
'Throught the eyes of your daughter'...is a heart felt daily blog, I pray, that will ultimately give Glory to God, Our Father...so it's gonna have to be real...always. Amen.
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