Although it is sometimes easier to.... I absolutely love writing...I could write, write, write as my dream job. But...and it is a big but...I do not always consider the consequences of what I am writing...blurting out through mouth or iPad is my downfall.
The last few blogs about church have been mulling over in my mind, actually writing what I have done...realising that it could hurt those I love so much...has made me ponder just what does it all mean.
Since leaving Glendale Church, I have changed...I know I don't feel as bubbly, and I know that I have less 'Grace' inside of me, so less patience.
On reflection I admit that the big sea of smiles, and welcoming glances as I arrived late on a Sunday morning...made me feel loved and secure. I miss that feeling so much...like the Prodigal son, I feel I may have hurt too many of the flock to return....
I desire with all of my heart to be 'back on fire' for God...
The relief I felt on leaving was because so many know so much about our family...because I've readily shared, being honest - laying my heart bare. Going to a new pasture afforded me a guise...only few know who I am..Who we are.
So many of the church had prayed with us, supported us, didn't judge us and loved us.
It is my 'issue' that I have not forgiven and let go, some of the hurt felt at different times by only one
or two people. I've always been a bit weird, but most accepted that and my worth is in Our Saviour
not in our brothers and sisters. I've let the devil rob me of a Peace. In every family there are bound to
be differences of thought, word and deed, but love binds us together in spite of that.
For the first time my actions and sharing on here has made me really stop and think...was I running away? I should have spoken to those I felt hurt by, one to one...not letting it fester over the years, me, adding bits to it until it looks like something very ugly...by embracing thoughts that possibly were not meant to be received in a negative way.
These one or two out of hundreds of Christians are genuinely Godly servants of Christ, serving with a willing and prayerful heart. I have refrained from speaking the truth of how I perceive their actions, face to face with them, because once said...it cannot be unsaid...and if they have no idea (which I believe is most likely the case) then it would upset them to know that's how they made me feel. I definitely wouldn't want to make them feel bad.
I have said to so many friends over the years, give your burdens to The Lord...put them in a box at the foot of The Cross. Jesus wants to carry them for us, that is why He died on The Cross, to save us from our sins, our worries, our troubles.
He is waiting with open arms to take any anxieties or anguish from you...yet when I place these thoughts in 'the box' ...I regularly go back and grab them..to turn over those words, to decipher, to let them sting me again and again.
So instead of running away, starting a fresh, I should for the final time ...offload any bad feelings to God, give them to Jesus...all of them, and leave them with Him. When The Lord forgives us, and
He paid a high price to do so, He forgets our iniquities...Praise God. I am sure I hurt Him daily, yet He forgives me much more...although I am not worthy, but by The blood of His son I have been redeemed.
Looking back at the congregational family of Glendale I reflect that they were like my 'battery'
charger...giving me energy through their encouragement, and unconditional love...
Part of me wants to run fast along the road back 'home' to be embraced and forgiven for my 'blip' in this journey Heavenward. I want them all to fling those huggable arms around me and nurture me back to the person they helped me become...
I will pray more, to hear from God on the place I should be. Perhaps if I stopped long enough to listen it will become clear!
I'm afraid that writing on here has led to 'dis-gracing' The Lord not giving Him any Glory at all...for that I am truly sorry.
So to continue to blog or not to blog....I know what would be safer...
May The Lord Bless your day, whatever you are up to...and I pray for my brother, that he will not be claustrophobic in his radiotherapy mask, that somehow he can feel peaceful during treatment, knowing you Lord are in control. Please keep him well Lord and heal him of this cancer. Amen x
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