I missed yesterday's diary, on busy days it makes sense to lump two entries into one.
Willie's now very big sister Rheanna arrived Tuesday night with her mum Zoe. As Zoe's car was off the road, we were going on a Bristol open university today, together. I was looking forward to my adventure with the girls.
After a very lazy Tuesday, chilling in the hairdressers, as a model for my son Josh and his colleague, I was sporting new highlights and a smart 'bob'. When the three of us have been together on other occasions, I am mistaken for Zoe's mum...the 'grandmother'...Zoe is virtually my age but evidently looks loads younger..or is it I look years older lol.
We left in plenty of time, Zoe suffers from lots of complications in her back and was soon lying prostrate in the back of the car.
The upside of this is that she also has a disabled badge. I recall the first day we ever used it. Back in the 'Radcliffe Infirmary' days when parking was not only limited but was quite an art to manoeuvre the car into the squishy space, if you were fortunate to get one. God was frequently good to us and would provide a space each time, although it might have taken me half an hour to park in it.
The first day we pulled into the squashed car park, disabled badge on board..I was inexplicably excited...the two disabled spaces were straight forward, drive straight in, lots of space all around.
I had to quickly kerb my glee as it dawned on me that it came at a cost...poor Zoe was in agony...how could I rejoice in that!...also both spaces were already occupied ...so as usual ended up reversing into a slither of a space in our big people mover...I was slightly disappointed.
But yesterday at the university...we had a reserved disabled spot. I'm very glad, as it did mean we were closer to the venue, so easier for Zoe on arrival, less exercise for me.
Sitting upright in the lecture theatre, I imagined I was a student...the talk was good, and the student union reps really sold it to me. So I figured I could study and become part of the student union.
Key words like...'safe city'...'fresh vegetables'...were important for Zoe to hear. 'Many clubs, excellent social life, pubs, fun, fun,fun'...the key words for Rheanna.
The ensuing 'walking tour' was not so successful.
Led by a very fit and energetic 3rd year student...we walked up and down hill...well virtually ran. I realised quickly that I was lagging behind and tried to use Zoe and her walking stick as an excuse..but Zoe was strides ahead..hills are good for her back :).
We were shown around the area where several strategic buildings were pointed out, and a lovely walk through The Royal Fort Gardens..slightly amusing moment when the foreign student pronounced 'Fort' as a much ruder four letter word.
As the weather was fairly unstable that morning, I had prayed for fine weather. I have photographic evidence that prayers were answered. Blue sky, sun shining.
Until that is - Zoe - who was not keen on the non campus lay out, spoke out and said she wished that it was raining so Rheannna would get a real idea about how it would be, walking about in bad weather.
Thanks Zoe....it was like revisiting the ice bucket challenge, the heavens opened immediately and
there was an absolute deluge. Within seconds we were dripping from head to toe. The lovely student
leader calmly put up her huge umbrella, and while the rest of the twenty strong group were getting a
huge soaking, the tour guide continued to smile and point out the chemistry labs...from the outside.
We didn't actually get to see the inside of any of these stunning buildings...but we eventually saw two rooms in accomodation. Drenched through to the skin, I gave our apologies to the bubbly student...when I managed to catch her up...using the now absent Zoe as an
excuse..."disabled..walking stick...must go..."
Apologies to Zoe who really does not like that label, but needs must, and we needed to escape this walking tour and get a cup of tea. The lovely (now soaked) Rheanna felt embarrassed to just disappear without trace..as that would be rude (who us the grown up here) so a good reason was required. It worked and we ran back to the car...well fast walking pace.
We could squeeze the water out of our hair and all our clothes were wet through. I blamed Zoe...
I guess if Willie had been watching us, he would have mentioned to God to push the rain button, as
his mum wanted it to pour down!...actually, it was very funny and made it even more of an adventure.
By the time we got back to Newbury, we were dried out, and I had gotten over my longing to be a uni student...the lecture theatre long since forgotten.
We had a lovely evening together, catching up. Laughing and joking, reminiscing.
It's been 6 years since Willie got his wings to fly to Heaven. It was what Willie wanted, a perfect
body with no pain at all, in Heaven with Jesus....he couldn't wait to get there..so many years of suffering with a complicated brain tumour.
Rheanna misses her little brother so much, and Zoe still feels the huge void as if it was only yesterday.
For the first time, listening to this anguished mum, I started to understand her pain.
When she became a mother, every bone in her body, every sinew, heartbeat and thought were programmed to be 'mum' to her two children...until the day she died. Fully programmed, fully operational...forever willing and loving.
Once Willie had been diagnosed just before his third birthday, that accelerated into a world of 24/7 medication, being vigilant, ministering, cajoling, organising, loving...in a more intense fashion.
Around Willies complicated needs, she made time for Rheanna, wanting with all her heart for her daughter not to feel left out. A full on, round the clock mum, as many of you are. Ongoing illness, whether physical, mental or both just accentuates that non stop hamster wheel of all committed care. A hamster wheel that you don't want to get off, no matter how weary or sick you feel.
Then one day 2/6/2008... It stopped. Willie got his wings. Zoe was never ready to let him go, if a mothers love alone could save, so many children would still be alive today.
To go from a second by second way of life, body now programmed to high alert, 'mother' hormones
giving strength to continue, along with God's Grace.
Then ...suddenly the child has gone, in her heart forever, but physically not here to look after, to cuddle, to nurture...an unfinished symphony.
Rheanna a couple of months later was privileged to get a place in a loving charity boarding school, for a An opportunity of a steady, family atmosphere and top class education. It has been an amazing place for her to bloom and grow.
But for Zoe, a single mum, with nuts and bolts on her spine, and a frozen shoulder, restricted her movements. She was coerced into letting Rheanna go. It broke Zoe's heart...trying to believe if was the right choice for her gorgeous daughter, but not her choice, feeling that both her children had been snatched from her.
So at the ages of almost 8 and 11... Zoe felt that her 'mothering as she knew it, as she was programmed for, 'stuck' ...less than halfway through the cycle...the anticipated and exciting lifetime of
All that motherhood holds so dear.
So Zoe feels in a time warp...she can't move on from this empty space...this 'unfinished vocation'.
Her whole being still in programmable mode...a lifetime of being the best mum she can be...stuck...empty...paddling in the darkness, seeking...hoping...trying to move forward although her arms and her heart aches for those little chubby arms to hug her around her neck, to nuzzle her nose in those cherub curls, to giggle with her beautiful son, to play hide and seek and walk in the woods kicking the leaves with her little girl.
Zoe has continued to love and care for Rheanna, trying to be the mum she wants her to be. But as Rheanna looks for university places it dawns on her that time is fast running out...where are her two little children...where did they go?
Time flies by so fast, the bond is strong between mother and daughter, Rheanna adores her mum and wouldn't have her any other way. Zoe delights in her daughter, loves her more than life itself...but feels she has missed out on the usual 'mum' job, total all consuming, every day, watching, nurturing, walking with her little girl.
It was never the dream to be a single mum, to lose your baby at age 7 years and 50 weeks...for your gorgeous daughter to be shipped off to boarding school...no this was far from the dream....
But together Rheanna and Zoe are inventing a new dream..a future and a hope that they will love and care for each other as they enter a new stage of life, to be friends as her little girl turns 18, this December.
My prayer is for Zoe to be healed of this acute pain, to be able to move on from this empty space. To have a concrete future to look forward to as she keeps her son deep in heart for inspiration. I know she is proud of the beautiful, strong young lady Rheanna has become. Together they can fill this mums 'programme' ...and move it forward to the next number in the cycle.
I am sure many will identify with Zoe's plight, whether your child has died or moved on...that 'empty nest' feeling.
I marvel at just how incredibly strong The Lord makes our maternal instincts...how He programmes us to provide for our little ones from the moment of conception. I realise there are some mums who struggle with this, but for the majority it's 'love, love, love all the way from the first inkling to your last breath. Amen to that.
May God Bless you. X
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