Sometimes I take your wig from the middle drawer. I scrunch it under my nose inhaling the very essence of you..the sense of smell evoking distant memories...I picture you sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, a smile inviting me to sit and chat....I miss our chats...a lot.
45 years of memories in the making..I can remember a long way back, I sometimes wonder if the old black and white photographs depicting a cute family at the Zoo trick me into thinking I can recall that visit clearly. The photo includes a spider monkey dressed in stripey trousers with a blazer and a small hat, a long tail hanging down. It is perched on your head! I do not have any memory of the monkey, but weirdly of the photo being taken, captured on camera by a man walking round the zoo for that sole purpose.
Debbie your eldest and I dressed in the same striped dress, one red and white, one navy and white...occasionally David your youngest would join in...not with a dress - but I recall the yellow jumpers with a strip of fairisle...one red, one green and one navy. You knitted them all, you often sewed outfits (mostly matching) for each of us.
Christmas ...you were 'Christmas'...always....you still are..second to Jesus.
The bunk beds I shared with Debbie just 21 months older than me, proved ideal for those early years of teasing..apparently I was born with this gene.
I only ever recall knowing you were Father Christmas. I must have been about 5 years old, pretending to sleep soundly, mimicking gentle snoring noises, stifling giggles as you carefully placed the rustling pillowcase full of carefully selected small presents - individually wrapped.
I waited patiently...all of 3 minutes for you to go downstairs..before I quietly and carefully slid to the end of the bed...and in the dark opened each one to discover it's contents...then tried to rewrap them, so no one would suspect.
This I realise was quite futile, as I rarely could work out in the dark what each one was. Content that I had at least tried, I slept soundly until 6am...the allowed time to wake the household...with jubilant excitement.
As I had a vague idea of all the items (carefully duplicated) I could tell Debbie each one before she opened it...not sure mum, how you felt about that...an argument first thing on Christmas Day!
(I did the same thing years later when we were all together for Christmas..at about 40 years old...as you were still giving us the same presents...so special.)
You would then lead us downstairs where the big presents awaited...carefully set out to avoid confusion...one year a crib each for our dolls with a curtain draped around, in my a huge panda, and in Debs an equally giant blue teddy...hers had a bell in it's ear...well I'm just saying..
A dolls pushchair each, for the big girl a blue proper looking pushchair...for the youngest girl..one covered in nursery rhymes. Just a thought to anyone that thinks a 5 year old doesn't notice the attention to detail. I remember wanting to be grown up like my big sister. Fond memories that lasted right up to your last Christmas with us...
Your budget that stretched more and more each year as you accumulated, son in laws, daughter in laws and 13 grandchildren and eventually step children and 6 step grandchildren..."I can only afford
£10 each you would announce shortly before Christmas"..."what would they like".
I think all of my siblings, in laws, nieces, nephews and children will readily agree that you worked miracles with that '£10'...Mmm how much did you end up spending? Your favourite was to wrap lots of little things and watch our faces light up with delight or laugh out loud at a silly gift you included...but always there would be one special item, to make us all feel loved.
You knew I would miss my 'stocking' when on honeymoon in Australia, so at the age of 25 you ensured I didn't go without and gave it to Pete before we left. I sure did feel special when he left it on my bed for when I woke up. You never failed to surprise me. It was just as well as Pete had not been trained in the 'art' of 'Mum's' Christmas tradition and didn't realise he had to buy any presents!
Christmas is possibly the hardest time without you, the first one after you left, I didn't want to 'do' Christmas...how could we...you were not leading the way..no phone call to discuss the children's desires..no jokes about possible gifts...
Trawling the card shops for Pete's mums card was painful...I could hardly bring myself to read them..I wanted to throw them all off the neat shelves like confetti over the shop floor, I wanted to scream..."no....no cards ever again..Christmas is cancelled".
But it wasn't ..it isn't - because you instilled in all three of us that giving is a gift in itself... making
family memories, spending quality time together, embodied in Love...and so Christmas came, and as always Jesus was the reason...then you mum, you were with us, all that you ever shared with us was continued.....Christmas traditions you set up when we were little...just another generation...to be
passed on and on. Pure Love.Thank you for that, 'Mrs Christmas'...it's good to know your are still with us, if not in person, but in each of our hearts.
As we grew up, you worked hard to love us and treat us equally, you embraced who we all were. Life
had it's complications for sure...but ultimately Love did conquer all.
You tried to treat us all fairly, loving us all, ..but David was and still is 'mummy's boy'. The baby of the family, you two were like two peas in a pod. Never separating without tears...sometimes when Dave just popped to the corner shop. It was never an issue..just an acceptance of the very special bond you two shared. You had the same bond with me and Debs...just think Dave had the edge lol x
Your amazing walk with breast cancer, originally 6 years before it returned...you were always upbeat, stoic, humble, never complaining, enjoying the good times, keeping us buoyant in the bad. Only once did you get upset...when I insisted you moved in with us as your house was to far away...you always put on a brave face, so I couldn't trust you to ask for help when needed...you were so sad you couldn't bring your cat...we live on a main road and she didn't like people so would have been scared with a family of four boys.
"Cancer spoils everything" you said on the day you had to part with her and the house that you and Our stepdad Barry lovingly shared, before he was victim to a rare bile duct cancer...just months earlier..but that was it, the only time you spoke out...with acceptance comes Peace and you soon rallied round to being cheerful, visiting friends, helping with housework, walking Rosie, our golden retriever.
One day on a 'Rosie' walk we were strolling back to the car through the woods, the sun streaming
though the trees. I noticed tears running down your cheeks.."Are you ok? Are you in pain" I questioned.
"No, Im just grateful to God for another day".
Tears of joy and gratitude to Our Saviour ...living with terminal cancer, you taught us how to live one
day at a time...because 'tomorrow is never promised.'
Content through the discomfort and pain of chemotherapy, smiling in the face of a disease that was ravaging through your body, you were testimony to God's Grace. You shone like the brightest star, always.
I don't know if I ever confessed that I prayed you would pass into eternity whilst you slept. I was so
afraid of being with you if they ever said you had 'x amount' of time to live. I didn't want you to ever have to face death head on..not imminently, I was scared for you.
My lack of faith meant each morning when I took you a cup of tea, I held my breath..had The Lord answered my prayers? I only allowed myself to breathe again, once you moved. Rosie would come In with me smiling and wagging her tail, she would bring you a soft toy, then exchange it with your slipper and leave. The morning you died she stayed by the door, sad...as If she knew.
But Thankfully God had a much better plan, so I could have saved myself that agony for 18 months.
On your 67th birthday Dave and I went with you to see your oncologist, Jane. It was the moment I had feared..."I'm sorry she said, your liver has stopped working, it's given up".
We had originally thought you would have three months when they diagnosed the cancer as terminal..and this was two years later, Praise God, but still too soon for any of us to say goodbye to you.
We came home, you were quite poorly and walked fairly slowly. You had not cried or looked afraid, it was as if you knew already, God had prepared you.
We lit the candles on your cake and sang happy birthday. It was the hardest song I've ever sang.
You blew them out and smiled...I went next door and howled.
Your 'party' started and as you became more frail, the party continued. Word got out, and all your lovely loyal friends, and loving family came In their droves..travelling many miles..a constant pilgrimage to come and say goodbye to one of the loveliest and kindest people to walk on this earth.
Some prayed, a group of us sang, most laughed with you, many giggles coming from your room. You didn't shed one tear...'The Peace of God that passes all understanding was yours".
Somehow we managed to end up with 3 commodes,a special hospital bed that prevented sores and oxygen on tap if you needed it. Laurie your eldest granddaughter came to help look after you. A sister in charge of a cancer ward - The Lord provided ALL that you needed, when you needed it.
I'm really sorry, I think in all the busyness I forgot to feed you :(... Although you were not very hungry. Our kitchen looked like a cake shop ....and Belinda joked that only I could be having a party in one room...when my mum was dying in the other.
Those were incredibly precious days, a party of all parties...poignant and precious. When everyone had come,everything had been said...on the Friday morning, you looked at me and gently said "I'm feeling weary - when all the visitors have gone, I'll go if you don't mind".
That was 830am and the doctor came and confirmed that you still had a strong heartbeat, and your lungs were surprisingly ok. He said you wouldn't be going anywhere very soon. I followed him out and told him that you had a strong relationship with God so you might go quicker than he expected,
as that was your hope and desire.
And you did, the visitors left, you spoke to uncle Ron as he was abroad, the younger grandchildren went to bed. Your three children - (our other halves were bravely continuing with life as we didn't know how long you would be with us) - three of your older grandchildren, altogether by candlelight round your bed.
We all held your hands as you went into a deep sleep and continued to pray The Lord would come and take you home.
Suddenly I started praying so loud like an American preacher, saying things like "mum the gates are opening, look at the light mum, it's Jesus face, remember He promised you would see His face when He called your name...go mum,go...I don't recall thinking about what I was saying.."
David thought I had flipped as I had never shouted so loud, he was about to stop me and suggest we were all tired as it was one in the morning and that we should try again after some sleep.
But then you went, you took your last breath...we all stood still..then I was shouting 'she has gone, she has gone"...but after 2 mins you took one more deep breath..and I shrieked "She's back,she's back".
You made us laugh mum. All your life you set out to make us happy, right up to your very last breath you made us laugh...what an awesome gift.
I cannot believe that if God had answered my selfish prayers, you would have missed out on the best party that started on your birthday and lasted right through to your journey into Heaven So peacefully, only 5 days later.
I am never going to suggest anything to God again as his plans are way better than mine.
The next day I was standing, holding onto the kitchen table and asking God to explode me into a zillion pieces, I was begging Him. I realised That He had graciously talked us through your passing into eternity.
What an amazing gift..we had tasted His Glory, if we had seen anything we would surely have had to go with you. I realised our bodies are too small a vessel to fit in His amazing and endless Glory...we had only had a tiny taste of it..it was out of this world and I craved that feeling we had experienced as you left us..you mum, were enjoying it in it's fullest, Hallelujah.
Praise The Lord you knew Him, only for a year, but then it only has to be for a minute..if you call on The name of The Lord you will be saved... />
You were an inspiration to each one of us, as James your eldest grandson, said at your celebration of life, you lit up any room you walked into. You shone, you are still shining...
Your baby boy is just like you, now undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy he is sporting the same smile, the same anxiety for those he loves not for himself...I wish in one way you were here to hug each one of us, to keep encouraging us, that all will be well...but then I am grateful you are not here to worry about him, as it would break your heart...you would have wanted to exchange places.
A lifetime of worry, you always said that mothers worry about their children no matter how old they get. You were the one telling us to keep safe, to text when we arrived at our destination...you were right mum...no-one worries about me in quite the same way....even though they love me.
There are so many memories that you gave us all mum, we are still recalling them on a daily basis, you are evident in our daily lives...we could all write a whole book about how wonderful and special you Were. This blog doesn't even scrape the surface of how much you meant to us all.
You never judged a soul, but loved everyone...accepting us all for who we are...giving us the love and confidence to grow old graciously... You instilled the love into our children, and they in turn will pass it onto their children...whom you would have adored.
As the circle of life continues, I will keep hugging your wig from time to time, inhaling the beautiful scent you left behind...until we meet again.
God Bless you and thank you mum x
Friday, October 24, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Can't blame ADHD ....
Although it is sometimes easier to.... I absolutely love writing...I could write, write, write as my dream job. But...and it is a big but...I do not always consider the consequences of what I am writing...blurting out through mouth or iPad is my downfall.
The last few blogs about church have been mulling over in my mind, actually writing what I have done...realising that it could hurt those I love so much...has made me ponder just what does it all mean.
Since leaving Glendale Church, I have changed...I know I don't feel as bubbly, and I know that I have less 'Grace' inside of me, so less patience.
On reflection I admit that the big sea of smiles, and welcoming glances as I arrived late on a Sunday morning...made me feel loved and secure. I miss that feeling so much...like the Prodigal son, I feel I may have hurt too many of the flock to return....
I desire with all of my heart to be 'back on fire' for God...
The relief I felt on leaving was because so many know so much about our family...because I've readily shared, being honest - laying my heart bare. Going to a new pasture afforded me a guise...only few know who I am..Who we are.
So many of the church had prayed with us, supported us, didn't judge us and loved us.
It is my 'issue' that I have not forgiven and let go, some of the hurt felt at different times by only one
or two people. I've always been a bit weird, but most accepted that and my worth is in Our Saviour
not in our brothers and sisters. I've let the devil rob me of a Peace. In every family there are bound to
be differences of thought, word and deed, but love binds us together in spite of that.
For the first time my actions and sharing on here has made me really stop and think...was I running away? I should have spoken to those I felt hurt by, one to one...not letting it fester over the years, me, adding bits to it until it looks like something very ugly...by embracing thoughts that possibly were not meant to be received in a negative way.
These one or two out of hundreds of Christians are genuinely Godly servants of Christ, serving with a willing and prayerful heart. I have refrained from speaking the truth of how I perceive their actions, face to face with them, because once said...it cannot be unsaid...and if they have no idea (which I believe is most likely the case) then it would upset them to know that's how they made me feel. I definitely wouldn't want to make them feel bad.
I have said to so many friends over the years, give your burdens to The Lord...put them in a box at the foot of The Cross. Jesus wants to carry them for us, that is why He died on The Cross, to save us from our sins, our worries, our troubles.
He is waiting with open arms to take any anxieties or anguish from you...yet when I place these thoughts in 'the box' ...I regularly go back and grab them..to turn over those words, to decipher, to let them sting me again and again.
So instead of running away, starting a fresh, I should for the final time ...offload any bad feelings to God, give them to Jesus...all of them, and leave them with Him. When The Lord forgives us, and
He paid a high price to do so, He forgets our iniquities...Praise God. I am sure I hurt Him daily, yet He forgives me much more...although I am not worthy, but by The blood of His son I have been redeemed.
Looking back at the congregational family of Glendale I reflect that they were like my 'battery'
charger...giving me energy through their encouragement, and unconditional love...
Part of me wants to run fast along the road back 'home' to be embraced and forgiven for my 'blip' in this journey Heavenward. I want them all to fling those huggable arms around me and nurture me back to the person they helped me become...
I will pray more, to hear from God on the place I should be. Perhaps if I stopped long enough to listen it will become clear!
I'm afraid that writing on here has led to 'dis-gracing' The Lord not giving Him any Glory at all...for that I am truly sorry.
So to continue to blog or not to blog....I know what would be safer...
May The Lord Bless your day, whatever you are up to...and I pray for my brother, that he will not be claustrophobic in his radiotherapy mask, that somehow he can feel peaceful during treatment, knowing you Lord are in control. Please keep him well Lord and heal him of this cancer. Amen x
The last few blogs about church have been mulling over in my mind, actually writing what I have done...realising that it could hurt those I love so much...has made me ponder just what does it all mean.
Since leaving Glendale Church, I have changed...I know I don't feel as bubbly, and I know that I have less 'Grace' inside of me, so less patience.
On reflection I admit that the big sea of smiles, and welcoming glances as I arrived late on a Sunday morning...made me feel loved and secure. I miss that feeling so much...like the Prodigal son, I feel I may have hurt too many of the flock to return....
I desire with all of my heart to be 'back on fire' for God...
The relief I felt on leaving was because so many know so much about our family...because I've readily shared, being honest - laying my heart bare. Going to a new pasture afforded me a guise...only few know who I am..Who we are.
So many of the church had prayed with us, supported us, didn't judge us and loved us.
It is my 'issue' that I have not forgiven and let go, some of the hurt felt at different times by only one
or two people. I've always been a bit weird, but most accepted that and my worth is in Our Saviour
not in our brothers and sisters. I've let the devil rob me of a Peace. In every family there are bound to
be differences of thought, word and deed, but love binds us together in spite of that.
For the first time my actions and sharing on here has made me really stop and think...was I running away? I should have spoken to those I felt hurt by, one to one...not letting it fester over the years, me, adding bits to it until it looks like something very ugly...by embracing thoughts that possibly were not meant to be received in a negative way.
These one or two out of hundreds of Christians are genuinely Godly servants of Christ, serving with a willing and prayerful heart. I have refrained from speaking the truth of how I perceive their actions, face to face with them, because once said...it cannot be unsaid...and if they have no idea (which I believe is most likely the case) then it would upset them to know that's how they made me feel. I definitely wouldn't want to make them feel bad.
I have said to so many friends over the years, give your burdens to The Lord...put them in a box at the foot of The Cross. Jesus wants to carry them for us, that is why He died on The Cross, to save us from our sins, our worries, our troubles.
He is waiting with open arms to take any anxieties or anguish from you...yet when I place these thoughts in 'the box' ...I regularly go back and grab them..to turn over those words, to decipher, to let them sting me again and again.
So instead of running away, starting a fresh, I should for the final time ...offload any bad feelings to God, give them to Jesus...all of them, and leave them with Him. When The Lord forgives us, and
He paid a high price to do so, He forgets our iniquities...Praise God. I am sure I hurt Him daily, yet He forgives me much more...although I am not worthy, but by The blood of His son I have been redeemed.
Looking back at the congregational family of Glendale I reflect that they were like my 'battery'
charger...giving me energy through their encouragement, and unconditional love...
Part of me wants to run fast along the road back 'home' to be embraced and forgiven for my 'blip' in this journey Heavenward. I want them all to fling those huggable arms around me and nurture me back to the person they helped me become...
I will pray more, to hear from God on the place I should be. Perhaps if I stopped long enough to listen it will become clear!
I'm afraid that writing on here has led to 'dis-gracing' The Lord not giving Him any Glory at all...for that I am truly sorry.
So to continue to blog or not to blog....I know what would be safer...
May The Lord Bless your day, whatever you are up to...and I pray for my brother, that he will not be claustrophobic in his radiotherapy mask, that somehow he can feel peaceful during treatment, knowing you Lord are in control. Please keep him well Lord and heal him of this cancer. Amen x
Monday, October 13, 2014
Ramblings 13/10/2014
I woke early...thinking about my diary post the other day and also praying for my brother as it was his first day of treatment.
In my efforts to not write too much each day...only so much you can take of my ramblings lol, I write just what's on my heart for that moment. It occurred to me that my confession to finding the adjustment to the Catholic Church tricky and feeling lonely as I left my evangelical Church could have been misconstrued.
So today it's on my heart to set the record straight...I've enjoyed 25 glorious, loving, fellowship years with my wonderful church family. They have supported us, walked with us, and ahead of us, laughed, cried and loved us through good times and bad. Glendale is an awesome church.
For 6 years I felt The Lord ask me to become a Catholic...but because I couldn't imagine leaving my family, I dug my heels in and ignored His call, until I could not hold out any longer. The Pope is incredibly evangelical and has a beautiful heart...it feels like Jesus is helping us all to be as one body..thus moving us all around to 'blend' together...United in His Love ..through The Grace of His Holy Spirit.
However it was never going to be an easy transition...which is what I was sharing the other day...so today I wanted to clarify that I had not left because anyone had upset me, but it was from within...feeling insecure and the devil zapping me with doubt.
My brother Dave text me from the hospital, his chemo had begun...6 and a half hours on a drip...saline flush, chemo, then flush again...he sounded chirpy and relaxed...everyone was lovely and apparently his favourite person was the tea lady..he was already on his third brew.
It all went well, he watched a good movie, relaxed...then went for his radiotherapy. He made it sound like a chilled day out! I'm so proud of his positive attitude...he says he is not going to waste any time worrying or thinking too far ahead, one day at a time...Praise God.
My day was spent mostly avoiding the accounts I took time off to do. Paperwork has never been my forte, but somehow I have to find a years receipts etc to complete my end of year records...my target to complete them at the end of every day only lasted two weeks...it's gonna be a treacherous couple of weeks catching up now :(.
I guess if I waffle on I'm going to risk giving the wrong impression...but I do hope those of you who know me well...will be used to that...and can forgive any misunderstandings.
Hope you have all had a Blessed day, goodnight and God Bless.
In my efforts to not write too much each day...only so much you can take of my ramblings lol, I write just what's on my heart for that moment. It occurred to me that my confession to finding the adjustment to the Catholic Church tricky and feeling lonely as I left my evangelical Church could have been misconstrued.
So today it's on my heart to set the record straight...I've enjoyed 25 glorious, loving, fellowship years with my wonderful church family. They have supported us, walked with us, and ahead of us, laughed, cried and loved us through good times and bad. Glendale is an awesome church.
For 6 years I felt The Lord ask me to become a Catholic...but because I couldn't imagine leaving my family, I dug my heels in and ignored His call, until I could not hold out any longer. The Pope is incredibly evangelical and has a beautiful heart...it feels like Jesus is helping us all to be as one body..thus moving us all around to 'blend' together...United in His Love ..through The Grace of His Holy Spirit.
However it was never going to be an easy transition...which is what I was sharing the other day...so today I wanted to clarify that I had not left because anyone had upset me, but it was from within...feeling insecure and the devil zapping me with doubt.
My brother Dave text me from the hospital, his chemo had begun...6 and a half hours on a drip...saline flush, chemo, then flush again...he sounded chirpy and relaxed...everyone was lovely and apparently his favourite person was the tea lady..he was already on his third brew.
It all went well, he watched a good movie, relaxed...then went for his radiotherapy. He made it sound like a chilled day out! I'm so proud of his positive attitude...he says he is not going to waste any time worrying or thinking too far ahead, one day at a time...Praise God.
My day was spent mostly avoiding the accounts I took time off to do. Paperwork has never been my forte, but somehow I have to find a years receipts etc to complete my end of year records...my target to complete them at the end of every day only lasted two weeks...it's gonna be a treacherous couple of weeks catching up now :(.
I guess if I waffle on I'm going to risk giving the wrong impression...but I do hope those of you who know me well...will be used to that...and can forgive any misunderstandings.
Hope you have all had a Blessed day, goodnight and God Bless.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Diary 8/10/2014
I missed yesterday's diary, on busy days it makes sense to lump two entries into one.
Willie's now very big sister Rheanna arrived Tuesday night with her mum Zoe. As Zoe's car was off the road, we were going on a Bristol open university today, together. I was looking forward to my adventure with the girls.
After a very lazy Tuesday, chilling in the hairdressers, as a model for my son Josh and his colleague, I was sporting new highlights and a smart 'bob'. When the three of us have been together on other occasions, I am mistaken for Zoe's mum...the 'grandmother'...Zoe is virtually my age but evidently looks loads younger..or is it I look years older lol.
We left in plenty of time, Zoe suffers from lots of complications in her back and was soon lying prostrate in the back of the car.
The upside of this is that she also has a disabled badge. I recall the first day we ever used it. Back in the 'Radcliffe Infirmary' days when parking was not only limited but was quite an art to manoeuvre the car into the squishy space, if you were fortunate to get one. God was frequently good to us and would provide a space each time, although it might have taken me half an hour to park in it.
The first day we pulled into the squashed car park, disabled badge on board..I was inexplicably excited...the two disabled spaces were straight forward, drive straight in, lots of space all around.
I had to quickly kerb my glee as it dawned on me that it came at a cost...poor Zoe was in agony...how could I rejoice in that!...also both spaces were already occupied ...so as usual ended up reversing into a slither of a space in our big people mover...I was slightly disappointed.
But yesterday at the university...we had a reserved disabled spot. I'm very glad, as it did mean we were closer to the venue, so easier for Zoe on arrival, less exercise for me.
Sitting upright in the lecture theatre, I imagined I was a student...the talk was good, and the student union reps really sold it to me. So I figured I could study and become part of the student union.
Key words like...'safe city'...'fresh vegetables'...were important for Zoe to hear. 'Many clubs, excellent social life, pubs, fun, fun,fun'...the key words for Rheanna.
The ensuing 'walking tour' was not so successful.
Led by a very fit and energetic 3rd year student...we walked up and down hill...well virtually ran. I realised quickly that I was lagging behind and tried to use Zoe and her walking stick as an excuse..but Zoe was strides ahead..hills are good for her back :).
We were shown around the area where several strategic buildings were pointed out, and a lovely walk through The Royal Fort Gardens..slightly amusing moment when the foreign student pronounced 'Fort' as a much ruder four letter word.
As the weather was fairly unstable that morning, I had prayed for fine weather. I have photographic evidence that prayers were answered. Blue sky, sun shining.
Until that is - Zoe - who was not keen on the non campus lay out, spoke out and said she wished that it was raining so Rheannna would get a real idea about how it would be, walking about in bad weather.
Thanks Zoe....it was like revisiting the ice bucket challenge, the heavens opened immediately and
there was an absolute deluge. Within seconds we were dripping from head to toe. The lovely student
leader calmly put up her huge umbrella, and while the rest of the twenty strong group were getting a
huge soaking, the tour guide continued to smile and point out the chemistry labs...from the outside.
We didn't actually get to see the inside of any of these stunning buildings...but we eventually saw two rooms in accomodation. Drenched through to the skin, I gave our apologies to the bubbly student...when I managed to catch her up...using the now absent Zoe as an
excuse..."disabled..walking stick...must go..."
Apologies to Zoe who really does not like that label, but needs must, and we needed to escape this walking tour and get a cup of tea. The lovely (now soaked) Rheanna felt embarrassed to just disappear without trace..as that would be rude (who us the grown up here) so a good reason was required. It worked and we ran back to the car...well fast walking pace.
We could squeeze the water out of our hair and all our clothes were wet through. I blamed Zoe...
I guess if Willie had been watching us, he would have mentioned to God to push the rain button, as
his mum wanted it to pour down!...actually, it was very funny and made it even more of an adventure.
By the time we got back to Newbury, we were dried out, and I had gotten over my longing to be a uni student...the lecture theatre long since forgotten.
We had a lovely evening together, catching up. Laughing and joking, reminiscing.
It's been 6 years since Willie got his wings to fly to Heaven. It was what Willie wanted, a perfect
body with no pain at all, in Heaven with Jesus....he couldn't wait to get there..so many years of suffering with a complicated brain tumour.
Rheanna misses her little brother so much, and Zoe still feels the huge void as if it was only yesterday.
For the first time, listening to this anguished mum, I started to understand her pain.
When she became a mother, every bone in her body, every sinew, heartbeat and thought were programmed to be 'mum' to her two children...until the day she died. Fully programmed, fully operational...forever willing and loving.
Once Willie had been diagnosed just before his third birthday, that accelerated into a world of 24/7 medication, being vigilant, ministering, cajoling, organising, loving...in a more intense fashion.
Around Willies complicated needs, she made time for Rheanna, wanting with all her heart for her daughter not to feel left out. A full on, round the clock mum, as many of you are. Ongoing illness, whether physical, mental or both just accentuates that non stop hamster wheel of all committed care. A hamster wheel that you don't want to get off, no matter how weary or sick you feel.
Then one day 2/6/2008... It stopped. Willie got his wings. Zoe was never ready to let him go, if a mothers love alone could save, so many children would still be alive today.
To go from a second by second way of life, body now programmed to high alert, 'mother' hormones
giving strength to continue, along with God's Grace.
Then ...suddenly the child has gone, in her heart forever, but physically not here to look after, to cuddle, to nurture...an unfinished symphony.
Rheanna a couple of months later was privileged to get a place in a loving charity boarding school, for a An opportunity of a steady, family atmosphere and top class education. It has been an amazing place for her to bloom and grow.
But for Zoe, a single mum, with nuts and bolts on her spine, and a frozen shoulder, restricted her movements. She was coerced into letting Rheanna go. It broke Zoe's heart...trying to believe if was the right choice for her gorgeous daughter, but not her choice, feeling that both her children had been snatched from her.
So at the ages of almost 8 and 11... Zoe felt that her 'mothering as she knew it, as she was programmed for, 'stuck' ...less than halfway through the cycle...the anticipated and exciting lifetime of
All that motherhood holds so dear.
So Zoe feels in a time warp...she can't move on from this empty space...this 'unfinished vocation'.
Her whole being still in programmable mode...a lifetime of being the best mum she can be...stuck...empty...paddling in the darkness, seeking...hoping...trying to move forward although her arms and her heart aches for those little chubby arms to hug her around her neck, to nuzzle her nose in those cherub curls, to giggle with her beautiful son, to play hide and seek and walk in the woods kicking the leaves with her little girl.
Zoe has continued to love and care for Rheanna, trying to be the mum she wants her to be. But as Rheanna looks for university places it dawns on her that time is fast running out...where are her two little children...where did they go?
Time flies by so fast, the bond is strong between mother and daughter, Rheanna adores her mum and wouldn't have her any other way. Zoe delights in her daughter, loves her more than life itself...but feels she has missed out on the usual 'mum' job, total all consuming, every day, watching, nurturing, walking with her little girl.
It was never the dream to be a single mum, to lose your baby at age 7 years and 50 weeks...for your gorgeous daughter to be shipped off to boarding school...no this was far from the dream....
But together Rheanna and Zoe are inventing a new dream..a future and a hope that they will love and care for each other as they enter a new stage of life, to be friends as her little girl turns 18, this December.
My prayer is for Zoe to be healed of this acute pain, to be able to move on from this empty space. To have a concrete future to look forward to as she keeps her son deep in heart for inspiration. I know she is proud of the beautiful, strong young lady Rheanna has become. Together they can fill this mums 'programme' ...and move it forward to the next number in the cycle.
I am sure many will identify with Zoe's plight, whether your child has died or moved on...that 'empty nest' feeling.
I marvel at just how incredibly strong The Lord makes our maternal instincts...how He programmes us to provide for our little ones from the moment of conception. I realise there are some mums who struggle with this, but for the majority it's 'love, love, love all the way from the first inkling to your last breath. Amen to that.
May God Bless you. X
Willie's now very big sister Rheanna arrived Tuesday night with her mum Zoe. As Zoe's car was off the road, we were going on a Bristol open university today, together. I was looking forward to my adventure with the girls.
After a very lazy Tuesday, chilling in the hairdressers, as a model for my son Josh and his colleague, I was sporting new highlights and a smart 'bob'. When the three of us have been together on other occasions, I am mistaken for Zoe's mum...the 'grandmother'...Zoe is virtually my age but evidently looks loads younger..or is it I look years older lol.
We left in plenty of time, Zoe suffers from lots of complications in her back and was soon lying prostrate in the back of the car.
The upside of this is that she also has a disabled badge. I recall the first day we ever used it. Back in the 'Radcliffe Infirmary' days when parking was not only limited but was quite an art to manoeuvre the car into the squishy space, if you were fortunate to get one. God was frequently good to us and would provide a space each time, although it might have taken me half an hour to park in it.
The first day we pulled into the squashed car park, disabled badge on board..I was inexplicably excited...the two disabled spaces were straight forward, drive straight in, lots of space all around.
I had to quickly kerb my glee as it dawned on me that it came at a cost...poor Zoe was in agony...how could I rejoice in that!...also both spaces were already occupied ...so as usual ended up reversing into a slither of a space in our big people mover...I was slightly disappointed.
But yesterday at the university...we had a reserved disabled spot. I'm very glad, as it did mean we were closer to the venue, so easier for Zoe on arrival, less exercise for me.
Sitting upright in the lecture theatre, I imagined I was a student...the talk was good, and the student union reps really sold it to me. So I figured I could study and become part of the student union.
Key words like...'safe city'...'fresh vegetables'...were important for Zoe to hear. 'Many clubs, excellent social life, pubs, fun, fun,fun'...the key words for Rheanna.
The ensuing 'walking tour' was not so successful.
Led by a very fit and energetic 3rd year student...we walked up and down hill...well virtually ran. I realised quickly that I was lagging behind and tried to use Zoe and her walking stick as an excuse..but Zoe was strides ahead..hills are good for her back :).
We were shown around the area where several strategic buildings were pointed out, and a lovely walk through The Royal Fort Gardens..slightly amusing moment when the foreign student pronounced 'Fort' as a much ruder four letter word.
As the weather was fairly unstable that morning, I had prayed for fine weather. I have photographic evidence that prayers were answered. Blue sky, sun shining.
Until that is - Zoe - who was not keen on the non campus lay out, spoke out and said she wished that it was raining so Rheannna would get a real idea about how it would be, walking about in bad weather.
Thanks Zoe....it was like revisiting the ice bucket challenge, the heavens opened immediately and
there was an absolute deluge. Within seconds we were dripping from head to toe. The lovely student
leader calmly put up her huge umbrella, and while the rest of the twenty strong group were getting a
huge soaking, the tour guide continued to smile and point out the chemistry labs...from the outside.
We didn't actually get to see the inside of any of these stunning buildings...but we eventually saw two rooms in accomodation. Drenched through to the skin, I gave our apologies to the bubbly student...when I managed to catch her up...using the now absent Zoe as an
excuse..."disabled..walking stick...must go..."
Apologies to Zoe who really does not like that label, but needs must, and we needed to escape this walking tour and get a cup of tea. The lovely (now soaked) Rheanna felt embarrassed to just disappear without trace..as that would be rude (who us the grown up here) so a good reason was required. It worked and we ran back to the car...well fast walking pace.
We could squeeze the water out of our hair and all our clothes were wet through. I blamed Zoe...
I guess if Willie had been watching us, he would have mentioned to God to push the rain button, as
his mum wanted it to pour down!...actually, it was very funny and made it even more of an adventure.
By the time we got back to Newbury, we were dried out, and I had gotten over my longing to be a uni student...the lecture theatre long since forgotten.
We had a lovely evening together, catching up. Laughing and joking, reminiscing.
It's been 6 years since Willie got his wings to fly to Heaven. It was what Willie wanted, a perfect
body with no pain at all, in Heaven with Jesus....he couldn't wait to get there..so many years of suffering with a complicated brain tumour.
Rheanna misses her little brother so much, and Zoe still feels the huge void as if it was only yesterday.
For the first time, listening to this anguished mum, I started to understand her pain.
When she became a mother, every bone in her body, every sinew, heartbeat and thought were programmed to be 'mum' to her two children...until the day she died. Fully programmed, fully operational...forever willing and loving.
Once Willie had been diagnosed just before his third birthday, that accelerated into a world of 24/7 medication, being vigilant, ministering, cajoling, organising, loving...in a more intense fashion.
Around Willies complicated needs, she made time for Rheanna, wanting with all her heart for her daughter not to feel left out. A full on, round the clock mum, as many of you are. Ongoing illness, whether physical, mental or both just accentuates that non stop hamster wheel of all committed care. A hamster wheel that you don't want to get off, no matter how weary or sick you feel.
Then one day 2/6/2008... It stopped. Willie got his wings. Zoe was never ready to let him go, if a mothers love alone could save, so many children would still be alive today.
To go from a second by second way of life, body now programmed to high alert, 'mother' hormones
giving strength to continue, along with God's Grace.
Then ...suddenly the child has gone, in her heart forever, but physically not here to look after, to cuddle, to nurture...an unfinished symphony.
Rheanna a couple of months later was privileged to get a place in a loving charity boarding school, for a An opportunity of a steady, family atmosphere and top class education. It has been an amazing place for her to bloom and grow.
But for Zoe, a single mum, with nuts and bolts on her spine, and a frozen shoulder, restricted her movements. She was coerced into letting Rheanna go. It broke Zoe's heart...trying to believe if was the right choice for her gorgeous daughter, but not her choice, feeling that both her children had been snatched from her.
So at the ages of almost 8 and 11... Zoe felt that her 'mothering as she knew it, as she was programmed for, 'stuck' ...less than halfway through the cycle...the anticipated and exciting lifetime of
All that motherhood holds so dear.
So Zoe feels in a time warp...she can't move on from this empty space...this 'unfinished vocation'.
Her whole being still in programmable mode...a lifetime of being the best mum she can be...stuck...empty...paddling in the darkness, seeking...hoping...trying to move forward although her arms and her heart aches for those little chubby arms to hug her around her neck, to nuzzle her nose in those cherub curls, to giggle with her beautiful son, to play hide and seek and walk in the woods kicking the leaves with her little girl.
Zoe has continued to love and care for Rheanna, trying to be the mum she wants her to be. But as Rheanna looks for university places it dawns on her that time is fast running out...where are her two little children...where did they go?
Time flies by so fast, the bond is strong between mother and daughter, Rheanna adores her mum and wouldn't have her any other way. Zoe delights in her daughter, loves her more than life itself...but feels she has missed out on the usual 'mum' job, total all consuming, every day, watching, nurturing, walking with her little girl.
It was never the dream to be a single mum, to lose your baby at age 7 years and 50 weeks...for your gorgeous daughter to be shipped off to boarding school...no this was far from the dream....
But together Rheanna and Zoe are inventing a new dream..a future and a hope that they will love and care for each other as they enter a new stage of life, to be friends as her little girl turns 18, this December.
My prayer is for Zoe to be healed of this acute pain, to be able to move on from this empty space. To have a concrete future to look forward to as she keeps her son deep in heart for inspiration. I know she is proud of the beautiful, strong young lady Rheanna has become. Together they can fill this mums 'programme' ...and move it forward to the next number in the cycle.
I am sure many will identify with Zoe's plight, whether your child has died or moved on...that 'empty nest' feeling.
I marvel at just how incredibly strong The Lord makes our maternal instincts...how He programmes us to provide for our little ones from the moment of conception. I realise there are some mums who struggle with this, but for the majority it's 'love, love, love all the way from the first inkling to your last breath. Amen to that.
May God Bless you. X
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
My diary 6/10/2014
We are up in the attic bedroom, now the boys are older and don't need us on the same floor. Being woken up.by the heavy rain on the skylight windoes is always a joy...you feel so cosy snuggled under the duvet, listening to the pitter patter of the rain...then you have to get up...that's not so good.
Pete was off to a funeral this morning, of a dear friend's 46 year old son, back in Bridgend. Me, on a school run, then work. I cannot imagine what it is like to bury your child...I had a thought about how awful that would be, when Tom was on the operating table...my mind wandered to a "what if.." Moment, but that doesn't bear thinking about, Praise God he is now fully recovered in record time.. I pray we never have to experience that at all, and the circle of life will always follow it's 'natural' course.
I know many who have had that sad experience and I don't believe they ever fully recover, no matter what age their child was.
I had a 'short' work day, then shopped for the meal I was making for tonight...as we were having visitors...my first vegetarian 'by recipe' dish....posh macoroni cheese..with a crumble nut/seed topping ..with organic sun blushed dried tomatoes...I was desperate to try it, but as I've given up carbs at the moment I just had to hope it tasted as good as it looked, with the scrummy crunchy topping.
Fortunately Simon and Andrew were happy to help clean up and tidy, ready for Jem, Tom and Rachel, My daughter in laws - mother...(there should be a name for this relationship...Jem's mum to us.)
Sadly Rachel was not feeling too good and so Tom rang to cancel. I made the huge mistake of
declaring the cleaning campaign could stop...really should have thought that through ....as we have
visitors tonight to..spoke way to soon.
I organised Tom to come and get take away as it was already cooked..then I relaxed. I wish our house could be in a state of 'visitors welcome' anytime of the day or night...but, every time, I find myself in a whirlwind of scrubbing, cleaning, throwing piles of clutter in another room...one day maybe...but if that's going to happen, when there is only me and Pete left at home...give me the hub bub of chaos any day.
It's now Tuesday, I'm finishing this sitting in the hairdressers, after one quick driving lesson,...models were required for Joshua and his colleague Jess for their NVQ. Josh will be highlighting and Jess cutting. I may be here a few hours yet, how awesome...sitting, reading, writing, bring pampered. My first cup of tea has arrived. These will only be restrained due to number of toilet visits that can be entwined in the whole process without to much embarrassment.
I have been pondering on how honest to be on here..I've been feeling 'dry' spiritually the last couple
of days, and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm finding the transition into the Catholic Church quite tough, although I still feel that is where The Lord wants me to be.
Maybe leaving my family at Glendale...an evangelical church...after 25 years has been a bigger
wrench than I had anticipated.
Weirdly it was a relief at first, church can be an easy place for the devil to point his finger...and 'fly fish' with your emotions. In a big church you can get lost. I know I am an independent person, and really don't want any fuss made, or empathy given. That's me, my choice, but then I'm left wide open to feeling left out, not an integral part of the family.
This feeling comes perhaps from me going alone to Church. Pete has a faith but prefers not to go. Simon is Catholic and struggles with life and Faith...God is his ultimate strength, but life style issues
can marr that and interfere greatly with his journey. Josh, similarly, Tom and Jem now back from uni, go to a different church, and Andy our youngest is a fifteen year old..who has just had the confidence to play rugby on a Sunday morning...but has always rather not accompanied me to church. He does thankfully enjoy the youth activities, like Soul Survivor..and has a very strong Faith...he is perhaps the wisest of our bunch.
So we are not the average 'church going, all perfectly together' family. Sometimes I wish we were, but I see The Lord using our inadequacies, addictions, imperfections to build our faith. We have so much to learn, and if we have seen heartbreak first hand, Jesus can use it powerfully for us to grow in Him. I'm not certain how a diamond is mined, but when I hear of a 24 cut diamond, I imagine we are
God's jewels on earth, and the more we are 'cut' (NOT physically) the more we will shine.
Also I took a back step, and became lazy...in the early years I was on the children's rota, which meant I was more involved, more a part. When you are not 'doing' anything it so easy to feel sidelined and not a big part of the family.
I know it will take time to get involved with my new family, at the Catholic Church., I have to step out in faith and include myself on the rota's as that's the quickest and best way to get to know everyone.
There are no current house groups with this Catholic Church, so my old house group has kindly let me stay on. I think these groups are very important to help build each other up on this journey in a fallen world.
I haven't been for a few weeks due to summer holidays, YMCA meetings etc...but hope to get back in to the routine very soon.
Building each other up, being with like minded people is very important. The picture of a coal fire burning brightly, then a coal falling onto the hearth...how quickly does that coal cool down and the blackness return.
Matthew 5:14-16...I pray to be more salty, and to shine brighter.
I'm not quite out of the fire yet, but possibly teetering on the edge...not because I have any less faith...but because I'm not communing enough with fellow brothers and sisters...I've realised for me, talking the talk, walking the walk is what keeps my light burning brightly...
So I say to you Satan, step aside, I'm jumping right back into the middle of that coal fire...where by The Grace of God, when filled with The Holy Spirit..I'm gonna be 'hot', 'hot' 'hot'...
'Throught the eyes of your daughter'...is a heart felt daily blog, I pray, that will ultimately give Glory to God, Our Father...so it's gonna have to be real...always. Amen.
Pete was off to a funeral this morning, of a dear friend's 46 year old son, back in Bridgend. Me, on a school run, then work. I cannot imagine what it is like to bury your child...I had a thought about how awful that would be, when Tom was on the operating table...my mind wandered to a "what if.." Moment, but that doesn't bear thinking about, Praise God he is now fully recovered in record time.. I pray we never have to experience that at all, and the circle of life will always follow it's 'natural' course.
I know many who have had that sad experience and I don't believe they ever fully recover, no matter what age their child was.
I had a 'short' work day, then shopped for the meal I was making for tonight...as we were having visitors...my first vegetarian 'by recipe' dish....posh macoroni cheese..with a crumble nut/seed topping ..with organic sun blushed dried tomatoes...I was desperate to try it, but as I've given up carbs at the moment I just had to hope it tasted as good as it looked, with the scrummy crunchy topping.
Fortunately Simon and Andrew were happy to help clean up and tidy, ready for Jem, Tom and Rachel, My daughter in laws - mother...(there should be a name for this relationship...Jem's mum to us.)
Sadly Rachel was not feeling too good and so Tom rang to cancel. I made the huge mistake of
declaring the cleaning campaign could stop...really should have thought that through ....as we have
visitors tonight to..spoke way to soon.
I organised Tom to come and get take away as it was already cooked..then I relaxed. I wish our house could be in a state of 'visitors welcome' anytime of the day or night...but, every time, I find myself in a whirlwind of scrubbing, cleaning, throwing piles of clutter in another room...one day maybe...but if that's going to happen, when there is only me and Pete left at home...give me the hub bub of chaos any day.
It's now Tuesday, I'm finishing this sitting in the hairdressers, after one quick driving lesson,...models were required for Joshua and his colleague Jess for their NVQ. Josh will be highlighting and Jess cutting. I may be here a few hours yet, how awesome...sitting, reading, writing, bring pampered. My first cup of tea has arrived. These will only be restrained due to number of toilet visits that can be entwined in the whole process without to much embarrassment.
I have been pondering on how honest to be on here..I've been feeling 'dry' spiritually the last couple
of days, and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm finding the transition into the Catholic Church quite tough, although I still feel that is where The Lord wants me to be.
Maybe leaving my family at Glendale...an evangelical church...after 25 years has been a bigger
wrench than I had anticipated.
Weirdly it was a relief at first, church can be an easy place for the devil to point his finger...and 'fly fish' with your emotions. In a big church you can get lost. I know I am an independent person, and really don't want any fuss made, or empathy given. That's me, my choice, but then I'm left wide open to feeling left out, not an integral part of the family.
This feeling comes perhaps from me going alone to Church. Pete has a faith but prefers not to go. Simon is Catholic and struggles with life and Faith...God is his ultimate strength, but life style issues
can marr that and interfere greatly with his journey. Josh, similarly, Tom and Jem now back from uni, go to a different church, and Andy our youngest is a fifteen year old..who has just had the confidence to play rugby on a Sunday morning...but has always rather not accompanied me to church. He does thankfully enjoy the youth activities, like Soul Survivor..and has a very strong Faith...he is perhaps the wisest of our bunch.
So we are not the average 'church going, all perfectly together' family. Sometimes I wish we were, but I see The Lord using our inadequacies, addictions, imperfections to build our faith. We have so much to learn, and if we have seen heartbreak first hand, Jesus can use it powerfully for us to grow in Him. I'm not certain how a diamond is mined, but when I hear of a 24 cut diamond, I imagine we are
God's jewels on earth, and the more we are 'cut' (NOT physically) the more we will shine.
Also I took a back step, and became lazy...in the early years I was on the children's rota, which meant I was more involved, more a part. When you are not 'doing' anything it so easy to feel sidelined and not a big part of the family.
I know it will take time to get involved with my new family, at the Catholic Church., I have to step out in faith and include myself on the rota's as that's the quickest and best way to get to know everyone.
There are no current house groups with this Catholic Church, so my old house group has kindly let me stay on. I think these groups are very important to help build each other up on this journey in a fallen world.
I haven't been for a few weeks due to summer holidays, YMCA meetings etc...but hope to get back in to the routine very soon.
Building each other up, being with like minded people is very important. The picture of a coal fire burning brightly, then a coal falling onto the hearth...how quickly does that coal cool down and the blackness return.
Matthew 5:14-16...I pray to be more salty, and to shine brighter.
I'm not quite out of the fire yet, but possibly teetering on the edge...not because I have any less faith...but because I'm not communing enough with fellow brothers and sisters...I've realised for me, talking the talk, walking the walk is what keeps my light burning brightly...
So I say to you Satan, step aside, I'm jumping right back into the middle of that coal fire...where by The Grace of God, when filled with The Holy Spirit..I'm gonna be 'hot', 'hot' 'hot'...
'Throught the eyes of your daughter'...is a heart felt daily blog, I pray, that will ultimately give Glory to God, Our Father...so it's gonna have to be real...always. Amen.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
My diary 5/10/2014
Twenty years ago we cuddled and said hello and goodby to our son Benjamin James...his story on another blog 'Benjamin James direct to Heaven 4/10'...slightly confusing but I believe he died a day or to before he was delivered...so direct to Heaven date, being different to his 'official birthday'.
Out of those darkest clouds we were soon Blessed with Joshua, who most definitely would not be here if Ben had arrived on his due date in November...and lived.
Trisomy 13 was a new discovery for us, but through Facebook and being affiliated with their Facebook page, I am more aware of just how many people are affected. I Praise God for Ben, for us not having to make any decisions, as we were unaware, to be able to hold him and say goodbye, to be even more grateful for our four healthy sons.
I often try and imagine what he would have been like, which one of the boys would he have most resembled...
My plan for addiction to prayer, following up from yesterday, has not been instant...I confess to a lazy day...I have been on Facebook, not quite as obsessed as I usually am though, to find out what all of my Facebook friends have been up to. Candy Crush - a new addition to time wasting beginning whilst with Tom and Jem at the hospital, was deleted but sadly reinstated...not a good idea....
I went to Mass last night which was lovely, a real reminder of how we should be...I love to be reminded....I came out all hopeful and prayerful that I will try harder to be as God wants me to be.
Philippians 4:6-9....it also fitted in perfectly with my nudge to pray more. Evidently The Lord has noticed my lack of communication...ouch.
Sooo..today has mostly been a chilled day...I did organise Pete, Josh and Andrew to do a good deed whilst I watched...does that count?
I cooked a quick roast, cheating with the help of M and S...and started to write a follow up to the blog about Toms operation.
Quality time with the family is so lovely...listening to Josh honing his guitar skills, watching Francesca bathing her doll in the washing up bowl...Andrew making cookies...Pete limping into Costa coffee after a hockey injury yesterday...
I am impressed with myself that I didn't munch on a Yorkshire pudding or lick the cauliflower cheese spoon...my tummy is no longer visible when I look down past my chest...yay...prob looking more like 5 months pregnant rather than 9 months...it is encouraging to physically see a difference...still got a way to go if those 54 pounds to lose - are to be believed.
I reserve the thought that I need to retain some cuddliness as my duty to Francesca...so maybe half of that target is more appealing...and more attainable.
Relaxing writing this, the day is not yet over...it's late but I really should do some washing...tidying...oh and yes...praying...def praying.
Hope you have all had a great weekend, and feel refreshed ready to face the week ahead.
God Bless.
Out of those darkest clouds we were soon Blessed with Joshua, who most definitely would not be here if Ben had arrived on his due date in November...and lived.
Trisomy 13 was a new discovery for us, but through Facebook and being affiliated with their Facebook page, I am more aware of just how many people are affected. I Praise God for Ben, for us not having to make any decisions, as we were unaware, to be able to hold him and say goodbye, to be even more grateful for our four healthy sons.
I often try and imagine what he would have been like, which one of the boys would he have most resembled...
My plan for addiction to prayer, following up from yesterday, has not been instant...I confess to a lazy day...I have been on Facebook, not quite as obsessed as I usually am though, to find out what all of my Facebook friends have been up to. Candy Crush - a new addition to time wasting beginning whilst with Tom and Jem at the hospital, was deleted but sadly reinstated...not a good idea....
I went to Mass last night which was lovely, a real reminder of how we should be...I love to be reminded....I came out all hopeful and prayerful that I will try harder to be as God wants me to be.
Philippians 4:6-9....it also fitted in perfectly with my nudge to pray more. Evidently The Lord has noticed my lack of communication...ouch.
Sooo..today has mostly been a chilled day...I did organise Pete, Josh and Andrew to do a good deed whilst I watched...does that count?
I cooked a quick roast, cheating with the help of M and S...and started to write a follow up to the blog about Toms operation.
Quality time with the family is so lovely...listening to Josh honing his guitar skills, watching Francesca bathing her doll in the washing up bowl...Andrew making cookies...Pete limping into Costa coffee after a hockey injury yesterday...
I am impressed with myself that I didn't munch on a Yorkshire pudding or lick the cauliflower cheese spoon...my tummy is no longer visible when I look down past my chest...yay...prob looking more like 5 months pregnant rather than 9 months...it is encouraging to physically see a difference...still got a way to go if those 54 pounds to lose - are to be believed.
I reserve the thought that I need to retain some cuddliness as my duty to Francesca...so maybe half of that target is more appealing...and more attainable.
Relaxing writing this, the day is not yet over...it's late but I really should do some washing...tidying...oh and yes...praying...def praying.
Hope you have all had a great weekend, and feel refreshed ready to face the week ahead.
God Bless.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Diary 4/10/2014
Today would have been my nans birthday...it is almost thirty years since she left us to be reunited with our grandad...yet there is not a day goes by that I don't have a thought about them, I still dream about them at least once a month.
Influencing my actions today, I am so grateful I knew them for 22/24 years. They built up my memory bank from the age of 2...throwing stones in the canal from my granddads upturned cap. To playing shops, singing 'we all live in a yellow caravan' whilst walking miles trying to find the elusive yellow caravan we were staying in.....feeding pigeons in Trafalgar Square ...coach trips to Little Hampton...fried eggs with crinkle cut, deep fried chips in oil that was weeks/months old (awesome flavour) living with them, watching them madly in love, holding hands...old time dancing with friends, rows of nans shoes paired up on shelves in the cupboard...perfect for trying on...glass cabinet full of tiny ornaments including a white poodle (my favourite)....Boxing day tea, Christmas wrapping paper recycled year after year after year....packed away in an old brown suitcase..so special...rocking armchair covered in stretchy ready made covers...shed at the bottom of the neat garden, roses climbing up the fence...piggy back rides...train to Ryde, Isle of Wight...hugs, smiles,.laughter.....unconditional love...
Recently my brother, 3 years younger than me reminisced about grandad.."he made me feel like I was the most special person in the world".
"Sorry, Dave you've got that wrong...he made ME feel like the most special person in the world". I expect he made my sister and cousins feel the same way. What a gift.
It dawned on me recently that my Dave has inherited that special gift, making everyone he loves/ knows - feel like they, are the most special person in the world.
So long after he has gone to eternity, his influence deeply engraved on my heart, I try to imitate his ways, I dearly hope Francesca and any future grandchildren will remember all of their lives, long after I have gone, just how special they are.
Today we were making those memory deposits into Francesca, at 2 and 4 months, never too young to start. Spending time, enjoying a double decker bus ride to town, riding the escalators, me being too scared to go down the steep ones, so grandad had to come to the rescue...pushing buttons in lifts...no agenda other than being together...awesome.
Happy birthday nan ...thank you for all those love deposits that I'm still drawing credit on all these years later, God Bless you x
I love the sky, there is never a day goes by when it does not inspire me. I look on it as God's artwork, a canvas He paints daily. Today driving Francesca back from Hungerford, her singing, smiling, and clapping to 'Wheels on the bus' cd...the skies were dark grey, it was raining heavily. In the distance a lighter grey,then over to the right a small hole with the sun breaking through giving a glimmer of light.
By this afternoon it was bright blue, not a cloud in the sky...returning from Mass, it was a faded blue blending beautifully to a mild yellow with orange hues as the sun was setting.
For me, It is such a brilliant representation of how our days may feel, dull, then someone smiles, a
glimmer of light, someone shows you love, the blue breaks through...you are Blessed by someone..the sun rays shine through the clouds ...a reminder that Gods love is more evident when the skies are darker, like light shining from Heaven.
Yep if ever I crash my car...it will be because I'm mesmerised by the beauty of Gods handiwork...if you haven't looked up lately ..maybe start watching the ever changing unique skies above...just not
when you are driving lol.
Finally, I wish I was as addicted to prayer as I am to Facebook. If I spent those precious hours
praying 'on my knees'...I could bring so many and so much before Jesus. I often say I will pray for people, but seriously do not pray as often and as hard as they hope I do.
It is a great weakness of mine, mainly because if I sit and close my eyes I fall asleep...but also my mind is a whirling girlish most of the time...I can't keep focused on talking to Our Lord..so my goal this week will be to 'Facebook' less and pray more....to read His word, meditate on it and pray loads and loads and loads....because I have so much to pray for, to be thankful for, to lift people and their needs before Our loving Father in Heaven.
This may not be quite the success I'm hoping for...but I am going to try hard....
Really hard :)
Influencing my actions today, I am so grateful I knew them for 22/24 years. They built up my memory bank from the age of 2...throwing stones in the canal from my granddads upturned cap. To playing shops, singing 'we all live in a yellow caravan' whilst walking miles trying to find the elusive yellow caravan we were staying in.....feeding pigeons in Trafalgar Square ...coach trips to Little Hampton...fried eggs with crinkle cut, deep fried chips in oil that was weeks/months old (awesome flavour) living with them, watching them madly in love, holding hands...old time dancing with friends, rows of nans shoes paired up on shelves in the cupboard...perfect for trying on...glass cabinet full of tiny ornaments including a white poodle (my favourite)....Boxing day tea, Christmas wrapping paper recycled year after year after year....packed away in an old brown suitcase..so special...rocking armchair covered in stretchy ready made covers...shed at the bottom of the neat garden, roses climbing up the fence...piggy back rides...train to Ryde, Isle of Wight...hugs, smiles,.laughter.....unconditional love...
Recently my brother, 3 years younger than me reminisced about grandad.."he made me feel like I was the most special person in the world".
"Sorry, Dave you've got that wrong...he made ME feel like the most special person in the world". I expect he made my sister and cousins feel the same way. What a gift.
It dawned on me recently that my Dave has inherited that special gift, making everyone he loves/ knows - feel like they, are the most special person in the world.
So long after he has gone to eternity, his influence deeply engraved on my heart, I try to imitate his ways, I dearly hope Francesca and any future grandchildren will remember all of their lives, long after I have gone, just how special they are.
Today we were making those memory deposits into Francesca, at 2 and 4 months, never too young to start. Spending time, enjoying a double decker bus ride to town, riding the escalators, me being too scared to go down the steep ones, so grandad had to come to the rescue...pushing buttons in lifts...no agenda other than being together...awesome.
Happy birthday nan ...thank you for all those love deposits that I'm still drawing credit on all these years later, God Bless you x
I love the sky, there is never a day goes by when it does not inspire me. I look on it as God's artwork, a canvas He paints daily. Today driving Francesca back from Hungerford, her singing, smiling, and clapping to 'Wheels on the bus' cd...the skies were dark grey, it was raining heavily. In the distance a lighter grey,then over to the right a small hole with the sun breaking through giving a glimmer of light.
By this afternoon it was bright blue, not a cloud in the sky...returning from Mass, it was a faded blue blending beautifully to a mild yellow with orange hues as the sun was setting.
For me, It is such a brilliant representation of how our days may feel, dull, then someone smiles, a
glimmer of light, someone shows you love, the blue breaks through...you are Blessed by someone..the sun rays shine through the clouds ...a reminder that Gods love is more evident when the skies are darker, like light shining from Heaven.
Yep if ever I crash my car...it will be because I'm mesmerised by the beauty of Gods handiwork...if you haven't looked up lately ..maybe start watching the ever changing unique skies above...just not
when you are driving lol.
Finally, I wish I was as addicted to prayer as I am to Facebook. If I spent those precious hours
praying 'on my knees'...I could bring so many and so much before Jesus. I often say I will pray for people, but seriously do not pray as often and as hard as they hope I do.
It is a great weakness of mine, mainly because if I sit and close my eyes I fall asleep...but also my mind is a whirling girlish most of the time...I can't keep focused on talking to Our Lord..so my goal this week will be to 'Facebook' less and pray more....to read His word, meditate on it and pray loads and loads and loads....because I have so much to pray for, to be thankful for, to lift people and their needs before Our loving Father in Heaven.
This may not be quite the success I'm hoping for...but I am going to try hard....
Really hard :)
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